The Parenting Oasis

Healing Birth Stories November 2, 2009

My mother-in law was here for the weekend and it was amazing to hear
her talk about her birth stories.  Although her “babies” are all over
40, her memories are strong.  She is still powerfully connected to the
joy and the fear she experienced.

My first birth was an emergency surgical birth.  When I was pregnant
with my second my wise doula asked if I had done any work on my birth
trauma.  I promptly burst into tears.  It had been 16 years, I had
never spoken to anyone of my feelings about my birth.  I had never
spoken with my mother, who had been my coach.  I never went back for a
postpartum appointment.  (Remember- I was a seasoned psychologist and
yet had no sense that this might be a problem.)

So I entered the world of birth trauma.  First for myself.  I worked
through birth trauma with the intention of preparing for my V-BAC
(vaginal birth after cesarean).  But anytime you are walking around
with unresolved trauma, I think it costs something.  I think it
weakens you.  I know I could not be of much help to the women in my
life who were birthing, whether clients or friends.

And for years I said, “someone needs to offer birth trauma work” until
someone said maybe it needed to be me.  So two years ago I partnered
with an old friend and college Sarina LaMarche who also had suffered
her own birth loss and we created this workshop- “Healing Birth
Stories.”

This two hour workshop is a joy to offer and I am honored to share
this work with the women who attend.  No one comes easily- it is scary
and intimidating and women worry if they should be there.  They worry
about sharing with strangers but I can tell you this… we have had
rave reviews.  We have offered it a number of times and each woman’s
stories has impacted me deeply and it is an honor to offer this
workshop to our community.

Let us know if you want to join us Sunday or want to be alerted of the
next time we offer it.

Maureen

What do mommas need? Less guilt! October 26, 2009

If I were going to change for mommas, I think I would fix the guilt button.  I don’t want us mothers to run around guilt free.  Without guilt who knows what parenting would look like.  For now, I just want the sensitivity adjusted a bit.  Guilt is a normal, healthy feeling.  It has you take your foot off the gas and check the speed when you see a State Trooper.  But then its easy to determine whether or not you are speeding.  Under the limit- no guilt, over the limit- oops, adjust and let it go.  Nothing in mothering is that simple.  Nothing.

I’m pretty good at letting go of the real mistakes.  I occasionally lose my temper, and am harsher with my kids than I intend.  I apologize, and try to take better care of myself and the feeling passes.  But when I am not so sure if I am making a mistake, the guilt is hard to assess.  The big questions are the tough ones.  How much junk food or television can I use to balance my own mental health?  How many fights are you supposed to be picking?  How much of my attention do I really have to give them?  Can they do without me for a few minutes?

And I know, I am way better at this than many mommas.  For some women, the guilt is endless and it has no proportion to the “crimes”.  It sucks their energy and interferes with their ability to feel good about the job they are doing.  And somehow, I do worry about the message we send our kids when we respond to them out of some twisted sense of guilt neither they or we understand.

Taking care of yourself is important.  And the true challenge of modern family is finding some sense of family balance.  The ability to know that in this family- everyone’s needs can be met.  No life threatening sacrifices allowed.

If momma guilt is making you crazy, or the stress of the holidays is already looming- put November 30^th on your calendar.  I am offering a Momma Holiday Meditation and Stress Busting class.

And come let me make you lunch at PO- the guilt free zone!

Maureen

What’s Next at Parenting Oasis? September 14, 2009

Or How I Spent My Summer Vacation

So we scaled back considerably over the summer and I haven’t sent out a Parenting Oasis newsletter for awhile.  My practice has stayed super busy and the marriage newsletter is a big hit.  My boys announced that they are too big for Parenting Oasis and stayed home this summer while I hung with the little ones.  This summer my 1st born made me a grandmother and I got to welcome Baby Natalie into the Parenting Oasis fold. Parenting Oasis has continued to offer parents a place to build community, make friends and get support with the struggles of parenting.

If you have never been to Parenting Oasis, we offer a drop-in space that operates like a coffee shop.  We have coffee, baked goods and something healthy for lunch available.  The kids play while the adults enjoy some grown up conversation.  Often the topic turns to birth or nursing, nutrition or discipline.  And sometimes just the stuff of life.  We are putting together more structured activities for the fall- keep you eyes on the newsletter and the website for upcoming programs.  And please, if you know any new mommas, any parents of little ones who might be looking for community- send them our way.  The first cup of coffee is on the house.
Maureen
mailto:parentingoasis@gmail.com

May 25, 2009

Celebrating Birth
This week I went to a meeting about postpartum mood disorders- a women’s mental health “think tank.”  It was wonderful to hear what people are up to around the Twin Cities.  Dr. Helen Kim spoke of the limitations of using medications alone to treat postpartum issues.  As wonderful and brilliant as she is, it was great to hear that she admits that the powerful transition to motherhood needs a great deal of community support if we are going to really make a difference.
Then last night I hosted a blessingway for a pregnant friend and I was aware of how powerful a ritual it really is.  A blessingway is a ceremony done in the last weeks of pregnancy which brings a woman’s community together to celebrate and prepare her for her birth.  We shared a meal, decorated my friend in flowers and henna, made her a birth necklace and sang to her as we “tied” ourselves together to express our commitment to her and her coming babe.
Every woman needs this.  Every women needs her birth celebrate.  Every woman needs to be honored and prepared spiritually for birth.
Next week, I am visiting Harrison Community Center to discuss the possibility of hosting Parenting Oasis at their site starting in the fall.  If you are interested in being a part of trying something new, reaching out to a new community, then please join us Monday June 1st from 10-12. 503 Irving Avenue North.   www.hnampls.org 
We will be open Tuesdays all summer.  We have a new momma group from 12-1 Tuesdays which is a great way to meet other new mommas but come whenever you can. I know some days it is hard to get out of the house at all, let alone on time.
And consider my Amazing Marriage class on June 2nd and the Healing Birth Stories Workshop on June 20th.
Maureen
mailto:parentingoasis@gmail.com

Parenting Oasis Summer Plans April 19, 2009

 Ok- its official.  We have a new schedule for the warm weather.  Last year was our first Parenting Oasis summer and although we had some wonderful days, we also had too many quiet, lonely ones.  We lost money and wasted precious energy.  So this year we have decided to focus on more behind the scenes work- fundraising, networking, grant writing. 
So here is what the summer will look like.  We will be open this Saturday and one Saturday in May for the API meeting.  Then no Saturdays until fall.  We will be open both Tuesdays and Wednesdays until Memorial Day and then drop to only Tuesdays until fall.  Tuesdays we will continue to focus on the Becoming Momma group but can offer any other things that people are interested in doing.
This week, Wednesday we will host another volunteer meeting from 11-12.  Then we have a couple of great things going on.  First we have a Balancing Work and Motherhood meeting at 11, then at 12 an introduction to cloth diapering followed by a diaper/baby stuff swap and sale.  Come hang out.
Check out the class Sacha is offering on Tuesday April 28th- Reading to Your Child for Literacy.
Maureen

Parenting in Partnership April 13, 2009

Next Sunday, I am offering my class- Parenting Together: Right from the Start at Blooma. Somehow, in the midst of all the things you have to figure out in those first months of parenting something important happens that many of us don’t notice.  Somewhere in those early months, parents become partners and that partnership sets the tone for your marriage, your home environment. Doing this intentionally is difficult with all the other changes going on around you.

I can’t tell you how to parent.  I believe strongly that parenting is a highly intimate personal relationship and most “experts” seem to offer some kind of one size fits all model of parenting. Parenting is a dance between you and your child and then there is the other dance between your child and their other parent. It seems the hardest part of parenting is when my dance and my husband’s end up tripping us all up.  When we are both home, we don’t quite know who’s leading.

Respecting your partner’s relationship with their child means trusting that we share core values and are heading mostly in the same direction. It means putting relationship ahead of rules.

Want to hear some more?  Call Blooma, get a babysitter and lets talk.

Maureen

Its Spring, Bring out the Babies March 29, 2009

I have become a much better parent this week. I had a rough winter but the sun is out and hope is in the air. My boys have been outside, covered in healthy mud.  I’m having thoughts of the garden and the beach already.

We have a lot going on this week.  If you haven’t been in or if you know a new momma who might be looking for community, this is a great time to come in. Reach out and invite someone new to join us.

Tuesday morning some wise, experienced baby wearing mommas will be sharing their stash with the newer mommas.  If you have questions or want some new ideas, Tuesday 11-12. Baby wearing is best learned by actually trying them on and having a few extra hands really helps. Immediately following the sling share, we will have our regular new mommas group from 12-1.

Wednesday March 25th from 11-12, we will be checking in how Parenting Oasis is doing and what the volunteer committee is planning next. If you want to help us plan for the summer or are able to volunteer, come on in.

Saturday  March 28th, we will be hosting our second Balancing Work and Mothering meeting. Come talk about the joys and stress of pumping, daycare, and just the constant juggle.  Lori Karis, of Sweet Cheeks babyfood will be there after the meeting to share her good stuff and answer questions.

We have some big decisions to make about Parenting Oasis for the summer so if you have any feedback, email me and let me know what you’re looking for this summer.

Maureen
mailto:parentingoasis@gmail.

The Discipline Dilemma March 15, 2009

I grew up with white bread at every meal. Meat and potatoes kind of family. Nothing unusual but not what most of us would call “natural” today. There was a family down the street that had wheat bread and their house smelled like a vitamin store. When we played over there, we usually went home for lunch. My parents were feeding us like everyone else was feeding their kids. Since then some basic ideas about food have changed. We went from whole milk to 2% to skim, first the softest wheat than the rich, grainy dark bread.

Parenting is a lot like that. We have figured out some things are just better for kids than doing it the way we were raised. Even if you feel pretty good about how your parents raised you, this isn’t the same world.

I try to raise my kids to be creative problem solvers who are assertive but empathetic. I wan them to feel safe and supported and know that I love them unconditionally. And then sometimes I just want some blind obedience. My friend Rebecca loves that scene in The Sound of Music when the Baron blows his whistle and the kids fall into line. But we both agree that this would certainly require that our kids fear us, and clearly they don’t.

My mom feels my kids are spoiled. Luckily their teachers don’t see this. Maybe they do get away with too much from me. I know that those people on TV with 8, 12, or 16 kids have higher expectations than I do but I think that was part of my plan when we stopped after 2. Ever day I struggle with just where to put the bar. High expectations are good for kids but unreasonable expectations make for stressed out parents and kids who give up.

This Saturday, the API support group is meeting to talk about Positive Discipline. Come on in. This one is certainly one of my favorites and it is never too early to start thinking about your parenting philosophy. Take a look at the schedule. I put everything we have for the next few weeks so you can plan accordingly. See you soon.

Maureen

Why Birth Matters

Tomorrow, I am marching in the Minnesota Better Birth Coalition Day on the hill with many other moms, dads, kids and professionals that believe that their are research best best birth practices that should be supported by our legislature. (More info minnesotabirth.com) I will be there as a mom with a birth trauma history, a mom with a VBAC success history, as a psychologist who believes that birth trauma increases a woman’s risk for postpartum depression and I will be there representing Parenting Oasis and attachment parenting because birth matters to our kids.

I also offered my Healing Birth Stories workshop this weekend which reminded me how powerful and beautiful birth stories are even when they are raw and painful. Birth transforms a woman. And birth in and of itself is a hell of a lot to deal with but then they hand this vulnerable, dependent infant to you and before you have a chance to catch your breath and decide how you feel about birth, you go into parenting. When are you supposed to recover? How do you heal?

Mothers need enormous confidence to manage what we ask of them. What other calling asks so much of you on the first day? Birth matters. If you can’t come out to march in support with us tomorrow, check in with Susan Lane over at Better Birth and see what she needs. Who do we talk to, what is next? Those people in Saint Paul, and those people in Washington need someone whispering in their ears that birth matters to us.

Maureen

My Version of March Madness March 2, 2009

Monday my baby turns 5 and Wednesday Joey is 7.  I am a big kid mom.  It is the end of a very long stage in my life. After Nate started school,  I always anticipated having another.  And although it took me 16 years, it was always the plan.  Now I am saying goodbye to my own fertility I suppose. They are thrilled to be growing big, it is just a little bittersweet for momma to lose her babies. And two birthdays in a week means two crazy kids and one crazy momma.

When I decided to open Parenting Oasis, it had to be a business that I could start with little financial risk and I had to be able to work it around my own children’s needs.  Parenting Oasis occurred as an idea 4 years ago, after Zach was born, but I knew that even as my children grew, my commitment to parents of little ones was permanent.

I believe in the moment that we become family. I think becoming a parent is one of the most challenging transitions we face in life.  Don’t worry, after 20 years or so you really get the hang of parenting.

This week-check out the new Style Statement workshop and please, if you are planning on or interested in our Healing Birth Stories workshop, drop us a note.

Maureen