The Parenting Oasis

Supporting Moms Returning to the Workplace February 23, 2009

I am constantly amazed by the brilliant women I am surrounded by at
PO.  I see the commitment to being a mother and I see the hunger for
something more.  Most women have a career prior to having children and
whether you take a six week leave or a six year leave, at some point
most women will want to be back in the workplace.  But it is an
enormous challenge to balance work and family, especially while
remaining committed to strong emotional connections with our partner
and our children.

Saturday February 28th, from 11-12 Parenting Oasis will host the first
monthly Balancing Work and Mothering meeting. Please come- lets talk
about our needs and the needs of our community.  Whether currently
working or planning to return to work in the future, come join the
conversation.

Don’t forget this week’s volunteer meeting and please, if you know
someone who could benefit from the Healing Birth Stories Workshop,
pass on the information.  The first time we offered it, it was a
wonderful healing experience for everyone.

Maureen

Good Enough Parenting Oasis? February 15, 2009

You might have heard me on the FM 107.1 show Good Enough Moms talking about Parenting Oasis today.  It was really fun to share our vision and seemed like a good fit for their message.

It is hard to be the kind of mom you want to be, every day, in every way.  And lately it has been hard to be the kind of Parenting Oasis we want to be, every day, in every way.

There will be a day in the near future when we have paid staff and a full team of volunteers.  Then we will be able to vacuum everyday, keep the big kids entertained and managed well, and ensure that everyone feels welcomed and cared for.  But right now, not all those things happen every day. 

Hang in there with us.  Come volunteer.  Come bring us muffins.  And be patient with us.  As we work to create a sense of community and meet everyone’s needs, we are each also managing to be good parents and manage our own homes as well.

Thanks so much for all the volunteers who have kept me out of the kitchen these past weeks.  With my free time, I have been working on marketing, fund-raising, and writing projects.  I have also started working on upgrading our website- watch for it soon. (Maybe not so soon.) You will all be relieved to know that my sorry house plants are looking better.

Drop me a line if you aren’t on the volunteer list and want to be.

 Maureen

Creating Community- What’s Next?

 I meet so many mommas each week who are struggling with postpartum depression or anxiety.  I hear so many stories of recovery, of women who didn’t really begin to feel confident as mothers until their children where long past the baby years. 

I was so lonely when Joey was born.  I knew all about being a mom, that wasn’t new for me but I had no community of mothers.  Finding a group of women who support me, who care about me and share in my desire to parent with connection and peace, has made life so much richer.  And I know that this group helped me successfully VBAC, nurse longer, discipline more playfully and more lovingly. And I have learned so much about birth and becoming mother and healing from this community.

So- we need to reach out. If we are going to make a difference in our larger community, our little community is going to have to find more pregnant women, more women just beginning to move towards parenting. I would love to see Parenting Oasis really develop a strong voice for new parents in our area.

We met Saturday to discuss ways Parenting Oasis can better serve parents working outside of the home and we have decided to begin to offer a Returning to Work group monthly on Saturdays.  I will start putting together some new fliers and postcards.  Look for them at Parenting Oasis in the next week weeks. If each of us would reach out to the new parents in our lives and our neighborhoods, we will begin to make a greater impact.

Thanks to everyone for the gift this community is to my family and to the families I work with.

And come in next Saturday and make a Valentine for someone you love!

Maureen

The Power of Teamwork January 25, 2009

 I just want to share with everyone what happened at our planning meeting Wednesday. We had 15 people show up, committed to helping and growing Parenting Oasis and a few others who dropped me emails, wanting to come.  We are committed to keeping things the same in many ways, the hours, the food, the costs.  Mostly we are going to focus on sharing the burden and building a team of volunteers.  We are also committed to board development and organization so that we can continue to create new opportunities at Parenting Oasis.

If you are interested in helping, please join the Yahoo group at parentingoasis-subscribe@yahoogroups.com Christie will be working on a volunteer calendar.

We intend to host a cleaning day, regular baking and soup making days, work on scheduling more classes and workshops and working hard on developing our Saturdays. 

Saturday February 7th, 11-12 come discuss how Parenting Oasis can better serve the needs of parents working outside the home.

Wednesday February 25th from 11-12, we will have another planning/volunteer meeting and will discuss board elections.  If you are interested, please be here. 

And please, if you can’t come to the meeting or just have feedback you would like to share, please drop me a note.  We have had a great first 16 months but have so much more we can do for families.

And hey- Tuesday Cloth Diaper and Sling Swap!

Maureen

Parenting Oasis Growing Pains January 11, 2009

So things at Parenting Oasis are going very well.  We are staying busy, paying the bills and reaching out to more families every week.  But my original business plan is hitting some serious glitches.  Opening a new nonprofit at the same time the economy has hit such a rough spot isn’t working.  I originally anticipated donating 20 hours a week for a year as we located grant money to fund this position.  16 months in, we have had some small grants but nothing substantial enough to pay anyone wages.

This past month I realized that given my family’s economics, my growing career commitments and the fact that my house plants seem to be dying off- I am going to have to get more help around here.  I love Parenting Oasis and believe we are making a difference for parents.  However, I just can’t donate 20+ hours each week.

On Wednesday January 21st from 11-12, please join us to discuss how to keep Parenting Oasis open and even growing through these tough times.  I need help with managing donations of food, setting up classes and speakers, I need help with clean and set up, and I need people willing to be on our board of directors as we move forward with more fundraising.  If you are unable to make the meeting but would like to help in anyway- please drop me a note.

Maureen

Healing Birth Stories- A New Parenting Oasis Workshop January 5, 2009

On Sunday January 11th, my colleague Sarina LaMarche and I will be offering Healing Birth Stories, a birth trauma workshop for women who have unresolved feelings about their births.  Please forward this email to the women that you know and let them know about the class.  I promise it will be a beautiful, safe, healing afternoon.  If you have any questions or want more information, please feel free to contact either me or Sarina.  For the most part, if you think that your birth was traumatic, it was.  If you get mad or sad when talking about your birth or if there are parts of your birth story you just don’t share, this is the workshop for you.  Birth is one of our most life defining experiences and it is often a mixture of pain and beauty.

What is birth trauma? Some women experience events during childbirth (as well as in pregnancy or immediately after birth) that would traumatize any normal person. For other women, it is not always the sensational or dramatic events that trigger childbirth trauma but other factors such as loss of control, loss of dignity, the hostile or difficult attitudes of the people around them, feelings of not being heard or the absence of informed consent to medical procedures.

Factors may include:
Lengthy labor or short and very painful labor Induction
Poor pain relief
Feelings of loss of control
High levels of medical intervention
Traumatic or emergency deliveries, e.g. emergency caesarean section
Impersonal treatment or problems with the staff attitudes
Not being listened to
Lack of information or explanation
Lack of privacy and dignity
Fear for baby’s safety
Baby’s stay in NICU
Poor postnatal care
Previous trauma (i.e., in childhood, with a previous birth or domestic violence)

adapted from The Birth Trauma Association

Check out all the other things on the calendar as well, and see you at Parenting Oasis.

Maureen

Healing Birth Stories Sunday January 11th 3-4:30 A workshop designed to support mothers who have experienced a difficult or negative birth, birth shock or birth trauma, or have struggled to resolve their births. This workshop will provide a space for women to share and heal from their experiences. The one and half hour session will include discussion, time for reflection, and other exercises. Leave feeling supported, empowered, and more at peace with your birth.  Cost: $25 (scholarships available)  Questions or to register contact Sarina LaMarche.

Managing the Christmas Crazies (theirs and ours) November 30, 2008

It just hit me that when they wake tomorrow it will be December and I was supposed to have their advent calendars full of candy. We have these 2 cute little trees with drawers for the 24 days before Christmas.  Somehow I cannot deal with December yet. Do you think I can get an extension? 
The morning after Thanksgiving Zach asked if it was Christmas.  “You said it was after Thanksgiving.  It is today?  Tomorrow?” I think we blew that one.  Major disappointment. 
So here are a few of the things I have figured out about managing the season.
Focus on the season rather than the BIG DAY.  Talk about all the steps, the preparation and the traditions. 
 
Use a visual clue.  Advent calendars, those paper chains or just the calendar can help kids see all that is coming up. It is important to teach kids how to manage excitement and anticipation.  Anticipation is a very positive feeling that can become anxiety or frustration. 
 
  Work on having your kids participate in gifts- planning, shopping, wrapping or even making gifts.  The process of making gifts teaches kids a lot about the meaning of gifts and teaches them to appreciate the effort that goes into gift giving.
 
Say no.  Don’t feel you need to go to every gathering. Use the kids as a great excuse to be late or leave early.  Try to balance big days with quiet ones.
 
Stick to routines, meals, naps, and bedtimes are never more important than during the holidays.
 
Start some new traditions.  Think about creating the holiday not simply stepping into the traditions you inheritated. The way that you celebrate the holidays will be your children’s history, their sense of family identity.  Its a good place to be intentional.
 So I’ll get the advent calendars together tomorrow and start a day late.  I haven’t figured out a way to fill them without starting everyday with candy.  That would take my own focus and intention.  Oh well, this tradition is likely to go on as it has.  Just like my own diet plans, maybe we’ll eat less junk in 2009.
Maureen

Gratitude November 23, 2008

Every once and a while I take minute in my crazy life and feel the gratitude.  Gratitude is a feeling, an emotion.  I like it better than thank you which I think has been kind of ruined by “say thank you”. The power of gratitude is that even if no one hears you, the emotion of being thankful is good for your mental health.  So on national gratitude day- Thanksgiving, I will be trying to feed 25 family members. I get just a bit crazy in that moment when everything has to come out of the oven at the same minute.  At my house we eat buffet style (someday a dining room table for 25) and we start by calling the kids to make a plate first.  Funny that Nate is often still the first on at the front of the line.  He has a hard time believing that he is one of the grown ups.

So on Thursday I kind of doubt that I will take much time to actually feel the gratitude.  Sometime after Paul has washed all the dishes (did I mention I have the world’s best husband?) and the kids are asleep and the dog has licked every spill off the floor I will get a minute to feel the wonder that is my family. 

So tonight before the holiday crazy begins let me thank you.  I am having so much fun creating Parenting Oasis and being a part of this amazing community.  Every day something new opens up for me professionally and personally.  I get to grow and explore new ideas and try scary stuff.  I do love being a therapist but honestly it is kind of quiet and predictable.  Parenting Oasis is never that.  And my experience at Parenting Oasis is helping me to be a better therapist, a better mom and wife, and just make a bigger splash in the world. It isn’t about making coffee, it is about making community.

I’m working on new marriage classes, a parenting class and a birth trauma workshop for 2009.  I continue to work on fund-raising and partnering with other agencies. Hey- look for Parenting Oasis on Facebook and follow me on Twitter.  Talk about teaching an old dog new tricks.

Stop by for lunch this week.  The weather has turned and the place is jumping.

Maureen

Transforming Our Children’s Lives November 16, 2008

I have been so excited about the election it took me a few days to consider what this means to our children. Politics aside- our children will grow up taking for granted that a man of color can be president.

My parents have 11 grand kids.  Of those 6 are African American. Of course I love what this means for them, for my kids, for all of us.

What I also love is the evidence of how quickly the world transforms.  What seemed impossible even to me just 2 years ago has occurred.  What do you want to take on next?

My kids know that families come in lots of colors and styles.  They know that sometimes the person you pick to be your sweetheart is a boy and not a girl.  They know that Daddies pee standing up and Mommies make milk but other than that pretty much they do all the same things. They know babies are born in hospitals or in tubs at home.  They remember the taste of nursing.  They believe that fairies bring surprises. My kids think spankings are a silly game.

This is how the world changes.  The world changes when we make the world of our children different.  We get to create what is normal. They get to have the world we create for them.  Sooner or later, you do have to send them forth but for now build a world of justice around them.  Teach them what it can be.

Maureen

The Myth of Family Balance October 26, 2008

I hate to call it a myth when I believe in it so strongly.  So many of my biggest decisions are aimed at family balance.  My part-time career, opening Parenting Oasis, bedtimes, whether or not to go to Mom’s Night Out.  All of these are met with some insane cost/benefit analysis.  And the calculation includes my needs, Paul’s needs, each child, and such enormous issues as our always suffering finances.  I want my children to have the best but I am also committed to other people’s children; those of the world and those of my community.  No wonder I can’t win.

Today is a silly example of how impossible my calculations are.  I have been feeling like a football widow.  Between the Gophers and the Vikings and too many leaf dropping oak trees in my yard, I miss my husband.  Deeply.  Before each weekend I calculate our needs for a babysitter into the number of hours I have been away from the boys this week.  This week I felt that I was justified in having a day away with my husband.  They boys have had lots of us and actually are missing the rest of their family.   

We talk longingly about dates that used to be days long.  When the boys were babies we got one item dates- we could do dinner or a movie but not both.  Now we occasionally get three item dates where we can do dinner, a movie and then go out for coffee and a conversation afterwards.  This was looking like one of those kind of dates. Babysitters were in place, plans were laid.

I chose to stay home from MNO fearing I was pushing my luck, just going to be too tired.  I worked until nearly midnight on a marriage article I am writing.  Moments after laying my head next to my snoring husband’s I heard his whimper.  Joey was sick.  Joey is never sick.  Joey, even with lots of garlic oil and Tylenol cried for nearly 4 hours.  Even as I switched gears into momma the night nurse I could feel my personal panic set in.  I was so tired and nothing was working and I hate being momma the night nurse.  I hate sick people!  Sorry, depressed, sad, anxious I can do but sick is not my thing.  

Long, long story short- lack of sleep followed by Minute Clinic telling me that he not only had an ear infection but a blister in his ear which meant they couldn’t treat him.  Refer to Urgent Care.  (One hour) Grabbed lunch and headed to first Urgent Care (closed until noon) and to second Urgent Care (Another hour.)  One hour in the waiting room playing tic-tack-toe, racing cars, and eating junk from the machine to be questioned, weighed, temp, pulse, listen to chest, peek in the good ear, peek in the bad ear and once again diagnosed with a raging ear infection.  Finally the golden prize- a prescription for antibiotics.  (As much as I hate the things this is what they were invented for.) On to Target where we waited (30 minutes) for the prescription to be filled. 

Not really a bad day.  He felt fine through most of it, I looked and felt like hell.  We got our date, late and two items not three.  But so much for my plan.  I go into the new week still deeply missing my husband and tired.  Thankful we have healthy kids and each other and another weekend someday. But the endless dance of family balance goes on. 

Maureen
Don’t forget the big Halloween Party next Saturday!